"REAL" topic of the Week

Okay, so each week i will delve into a subject of some sort reminiscing on topics that i categorize as being "REAL". Meaning a breakdown of a tv show, movie, board game or any thing of the nature that stands apart from anything that goes on in todays day in age. Things that are 'pure'. The focus on the 'REAL' post of the week will most certainly draw the line in the sand between my childhood and the childhood of those living today. It will probably consist of snide remarks concerning the pampered sheltered lives of todays youth and the vastly different childhood we as early 80's born kids once had,,,,,You will see the difference,,,,Knightrider, Saved by the Bell, The Goonies, Slap Bracelets, Pogs, Nintendo, Hungry Hungry Hippo,,,,,,,you get the picture.


Todays pick: The 1985 classic movie adventure - The GOONIES

What ever happened to classic movies like THE GOONIES. I mean come on. Has there EVER been a better one-two punch that attracts the likes of the adventurous pre-pubescent kid than the Chunk and Sloth combo. Okay, so it does kind of tweek you out a bit when you first gaze upon the beauty that is Sloth, but honestly, Rocky Dennis in 1985's THE MASK had already warmed you up by the time ole Sloth graced the widescreen am i right?

This movie is about as fucking 'REAL' as it gets. I mean the only kind of movie that kids relate to nowdays is Harry Potter. There is no moral lesson or adventurous plots to those books turned movies unless you consider twirling a wand and concentrating really hard adventurous. There is no reality involved in those fairy tales. The only thing that has come thanks to the Potters are higher grossing sales at Target, Wal-Mart and the local costume stores around Halloween time. They take full advantage of every little faggit that tells mommy they want to be Harry for Halloween, i mean do they even bother ordering attire for Harry's faggit Ginger kid sidekick Ron??. The only other noted effect that has emerged with the Potters is the steady rise of coral reef (marijuana) smoking teenagers in todays society. So parents take the following as a lesson-- When your teenage son asks for 25 bucks so he can "check out the newest Harry Potter movie" he and his friends (who all happen to dress like they hate their dad, you know-gothy esque, rocking some sweet black combat boots and sporting one of those 'emo' hairstyles) are going to see, realize that you are contributing to him
1) being really stoned
and
2) buying his movie ticket, a large popcorn and coke, some candy AND in his case probably a hot dog, because he's a fucking douchebag. Who buys hotdogs, nachos, pretzels at a movie theatre???? Kids nowdays do !! People who grew up with badasses like Brandon and Mikey Walsh, Data, and Chunk influencing them dont roll like that, we are REAL.

So in comparison, you have Potter and you have The Goonies. A truly epic adventure in search of One Eyed Willies pirates treasure. You want some antagonists,,,,How could you not be scared shitless of Mama Fratelli, and her demented sons. (Joe Pantoliano's best work this side of THE FUGITIVE) But But But Harry has that meanie head Malfoy on his back, thats pathetic. I mean this was group of teenagers in some of the best/badass clothing the 80's had to offer traveling through caves with hidden death traps as one cohesive unit. The bond forged by Sloth and Chunk is nothing short of classic. In a way they are both outcasts of their groups, Chunk is the funny fatass, while Sloth is well, hes Sloth (see above picture). In the end they come together as one and the loving bond the two forged ultimately allows Sloth to 'take one for the team' as he lifts like a 10 ton boulder for about 4 minutes minutes allowing the Goonies to escape the wrath of the Frattelis and One Eyed Willies badass pirate ship.(a truly amazing feat btw).

What ever happened to the epic kiddie adventure like the Goonies?? Is it just wrong in todays society to create movies with characters like Chunk and Sloth in them for the todays youth??? Does that infringe on todays 'fat' kids feelings, is it not politically correct to cast a 13 year old lard-ass who has a talent as golden as the "truffle shuffle" in todays industry???? It wouldn't matter because they would not be able to relate to such anyway. The computer generated kids today are too spoiled rotten with their visual enhanced effects to actually relate to an adventure as pure as what the Goonies encountered. They want the ooing and ahhhing of Harry flying through the clouds, i wanted the adventure of tying my big brother up to a chair with his pec cables before running outside to let the air out of his bike tires so he couldnt catch me and my friends. (Ie What Mikey did to Brand. How fucking sweet was that you Goonie lovers)

There really is no point in showing a movie like this to the youth of today because they wouldnt get it. They are too busy with their sheltered lives text messaging on their personal cell phones at age 11-12 or playing x-box all day after school, or jerking off on the computer on a sunny saturday afternoon. They wouldnt know the first thing about an adventure as pure as what the Goonies faced because they havent ever made a tree-fort in the backyard or played backyard football in the neighborhood or fed shit on a stick to a friend telling them it was a melted snickers bar or played the 'pain game' with their friends after school. Kids today arent real. We as 80's/early 90's kids lived for adventure, imaginations ran wild, and movies like the Goonies made it cool to feel like that. I mean who better to tie the movie together than Sean RUDY Astin.

So in closing, i dare you to explore the realm of cinema the past decades to find a movie that can stand up to The Goonies and all it encompasses, or a combo that can even be mentioned in the same breath as that of CHUNK AND SLOTH.

be real

ron